Trapped in COVID-19

I feel immensely fortunate to write that I received the Johnson & Johnson COVID19 vaccine almost two weeks ago. As I have mentioned in previous posts, unlike many of my contemporaries, I have not taken this pandemic lightly, so I was ecstatic to receive my shot. I finally feel at liberty to act as the person who has been manifesting within me for the past year. I have a newfound appreciation for the elements of life which I used to skip out on because I assumed other opportunities would quickly arise. All the jitters of a new life are revitalizing, as is the loss of constant fear around contracting the virus.

Then I look at the news. We are being told left and right to receive whichever vaccine becomes available, but we are also being warned against new variants and potential health risks associated with the vaccine. The differences in the efficacy of each version of the vaccine make J&J appear to be at the bottom of the list, yet J&J is supposed to protect from a wider range of variants. We also have to keep in mind that the vaccines are not meant to be against measured each other, for they were all tested at different periods of the pandemic. I had a 24-hour fever, a headache, and body pains after receiving my shot, but I know some people that were hospitalized after their second dose of Pfizer. I feel lucky. How are we supposed to reconcile the rumors that Pfizer is related to infertility and Moderna reacts negatively when the patient has a history of cosmetic fillers? There are so many caveats and unknowns to becoming vaccinated that the anxieties surrounding the COVID are not diminishing, they are surfacing in new forms.

It would never cross my mind to turn down the vaccine, but the alarming information circulating does not put me at ease. While I may not fear contracting a severe case of COVID, I am still uneasy about COVID in a long-term context. We are being asked to trust the authorities on a matter about which no human is certain. I am listening and abiding by instructions because I believe in our species ability to adapt and innovate, but I am still rational. My intuition is signaling that no one holds a definite resolution, there are still many more obstacles to come. The virus may subside, but that does not mean other consequences related to this period will surface.

I do not want to come off as cynical, because, once again, I am inexplicably grateful for my vaccine. I do want to acknowledge why I am having these sentiments. CNN is my preferred news outlet, the voices of Chris Cuomo and Erin Burnett are commonplace in my home. When I turn on the T.V., open the app on my phone, or head to the website, I am bombarded with headlines that say, Breaking News, followed by an article entitled: “A more contagious coronavirus variant is spreading across the US. Can vaccines stop it?”. The first sentence of Maggie Fox’s piece reads, “A new, more contagious and potentially more deadly variant of the coronavirus is spreading across the US, and health officials are worried”(Fox, CNN). I do not need to proceed, all the facts I need are within those first words. My anxiety has spiked. Even though I have the vaccine, I am triggered to hear that health officials, who distributed this protective shield, are having their confidence tested. If I were to keep reading, I would see that the vaccines are proving to be effective in defending against this B.1.1.7 variant; but the issue is that my paralyzing response to the initial sentence prohibits me from absorbing the other information. To know that those with the most wisdom are openly struggling makes any attempt at consolation unimportant. All I hear is a surrender to danger.

This is not the fault of the scientists and doctors, but rather the media. Consumer culture and news viewership revolve around the shock factor. The media is representing COVID through a horrifying lens, and I am completely falling into their trap. I am hooked on that first sentence and reading further seems unnecessary, when I now think, this is the end of humanity. We cannot overcome. The media is capitalizing upon our vulnerability. They know that we will always come crawling back for more information because they managed to spark such an appalling emotional response. The content of the story is insignificant in relation to the leverage of that first sentence. We will cite that first sentence. We will remember that feeling of a dry mouth and elevated heart rate. The media is not here to soothe us; the soothing comes later in the article when the readers have dropped. The media is here to trigger us because they know we love to feel. The more we feel, the more we will come back to their site. The awe becomes addicting. It is a game more than it is news.

Fox, Maggie. “A More Contagious Coronavirus Variant Is Spreading across the US. Can Vaccines Stop It?” CNN, Cable News Network, 20 Mar. 2021, www.cnn.com/2021/03/20/health/variant-b117-vaccines-work/index.html.